When Children Get Caught in Divorce - About Parental Alienation

You could be an adult who experienced this as a child, or you could be the adult who is causing it or witnessing today. Whatever your role, it’s time to talk about parental alienation.

When divorce is inevitable, with the right combination of health (mental and physical), guidance and support, and intention, it can be done skilfully, so not to cause utter destruction for all involved; something particularly important when there are children.

It is my profound belief that being a parent is an important responsibility, not only to the children we elect to bring into the world, but for society as a whole. We have the responsibility to guide the citizens, leaders, artists, teachers, humans of the future, to be net positive contributors to our collective wellbeing. The legacy we leave behind is also measured by the children we help shape.

Sadly, while we have a lot more knowledge and understanding today of what healthy parenting looks like, we are still a million miles away from doing relationships and parenting well.

Case in point, divorcing!

Beyond the actual divorce proceedings, which can vary from smooth, easy and inexpensive, to tumultuous, painful and bankrupting, the life the two separating adults set up for themselves and their kids moving forward is as important as the one they build together.

Parental alienation happens when one parent manipulates, consciously or not, the child(ren) to reject the other parent, despite there being no reason to. Parental alienation is child abuse!

This is a very complex process that can take many forms, but that always results in the same outcome: a great deal of psychological and emotional damage for all involved, especially the child(ren).

I will likely write more about this subject. It is a vast topic and there is much to specifically write about the role of the parents, their motivations, the impact this dynamic has on the children, and the long term consequences to their developing into a healthy adult. For now, as an introduction, I would like to just describe the way I have conceptualised the various forms of parental alienation.

The 2 x 2 Matrix of Alienation

I want you think of a 2x2 matrix categorising the levels of manipulation that result in alienation. On one axis there is the type of manipulations, on the other the level.

• The type can be split into direct or indirect.

  • Direct manipulation is overt and obvious.

  • Indirect manipulation tends to be subtle, hidden, or at times subliminal.

• The level can be split into General or Specific.

  • General manipulations tend to focus on generic concepts and ideas: family, men, women, etc.

  • Specific ones tend to directly target the other parent.

Let’s define the four resulting forms of parental alienation. I've given each form a label to make them easy to identify and remember.

Some Common Behaviours

These forms of alienation can manifest in a wide range of behaviours, some subtle, other overt. Here is a sample of some common ones.

They can include:

• Verbal invalidation: Mocking, name-calling, criticising, or yelling about the other parent, whether directly to the child or within their hearing.

  
  

• Relational manipulation: Spreading rumours, exaggerating faults, or telling lies that damage the other parent’s image or credibility.

  
  

• Emotional coercion: Making the child feel guilty for loving or wanting to spend time with the other parent, or forcing them to “choose sides.”

  
  

• Passive-aggressive tactics: Withholding affection, ignoring the other parent in front of the child, or offering backhanded compliments meant to humiliate or diminish.

  
  

• Non-verbal disapproval: Eye-rolling, sighing, scoffing, or displaying contempt when the other parent is mentioned.

  
  

• Exclusionary behaviour: Refusing to share important information about the child’s life, omitting the other parent from events, or downplaying their role and contributions.

  
  

• Psychological gaslighting: Denying past events, rewriting history, or distorting facts in ways that make the other parent appear unstable or unreliable.

  
  

• Weaponising communication: Using the child as a messenger for hostile or manipulative exchanges instead of speaking directly with the other parent.

  
  

• Undermining authority: Contradicting or ridiculing the other parent’s rules, values, or parenting style in front of the child.

• Excessive blame or victimhood: Constantly portraying oneself as the “good” or “suffering” parent, while casting the other as the cause of all conflict.

  
  

• Emotional withdrawal: Punishing the child’s affection toward the other parent with coldness or withdrawal of attention.

The Consequences

Whether you once were a child who was alienated from a parent, or you are a parent currently involved in similar dynamics, I hope this simple framework will help you to better decipher your experience and make the necessary adjustments.

If you found this topic helpful, please write in and let us know what else you’d be interested in hearing.

For now, whatever your role, remember that there is always a path back to awareness, accountability, and repair.

By choosing to pause, reflect, and seek guidance, whether through therapy, mediation, or conscious co-parenting, parents can rewrite the narrative of their separation and children can be helped to better navigate it.

If you had to do it all over again, would you do it the exact same way?