“How can we have great sex?” is an important and difficult question. It is also one I am asked frequently.
Over the last few months I have given several talks. Often I have been approached at the end of the talk and asked this question.
It is an important question because sex and sexuality are central parts of our lives. “Breaking” or disrupting the flow of either is likely to have a negative impact on our work performance, our relationships or other aspects of life.
It is a difficult question because every single person who asked it was in fact looking for something unique to him or her. Among them, there was the woman wanting to please her partner more. There was the man wanting to maintain his erection longer. And there was the couple wanting to spice things up in the bedroom.
I imagine many of us are asking similar questions, but without full clarity on what we are actually looking for.
I started to notice a pattern behind this question. So I thought I would distil it and share it in this short article, so you can have more tools to address your questions.
I have come to realise that the question can typically be placed in one of three domains:
One’s own body and sexuality
The body and sexuality of the partner
An example of this is the man who wants to last longer that we met earlier. These types of questions typically revolve around the body and its functions; one’s own sexuality and its identity or expression; one’s own mind, fantasy, attitudes or beliefs.
In a similar way, these questions revolve around a better understanding of the partner’s body and sexuality. I find this to be the case even when the partner is of the same gender. Like us, our partner is unique in his or her essence.
Things get a little broader when the questions are about the relationship. In fact, I see a pattern here also. Some have a fundamentally good relationship, and are looking to enhance it. Others see their relationship as “broken” and are looking to “fix” it (or as it sometimes is the case, “fix” their partner).
We’ve explored what sits behind this question, and we’ve clustered it in three meaningful domains. And we all know how difficult it can be to address some of these questions.
I found the following three easy steps to be really impactful. So we can start addressing our own questions, here is a summary:
We discovered that when people ask, “how do we have great sex?” they are asking something more specific. And so, next time we hear that question, we can ask “Really? What actually sits behind that question?”
In many cases, when medical concerns can absolutely be excluded, I found that the question is really a quest for additional information, whether personal, about the partner or the relationship. There are many resources available, let’s go explore them with a curious mind to expand our horizon.
I will never tire to say this because in my experience communication is at the basis of a large range of relational challenges. Communicating openly with a partner, friend, confidant or specialist are all suitable options to help us crystallise our understanding and create a stronger connection.
We explored how having great sex is as unique an experience as the person who asks the question. We also shared a few ideas and suggestions on how to address a similar question.
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